Gagging for It #1
Daredevil
1/2 out of 5 pitchforks
Judas Priest, where do I start with this fucker of a flick. Do I start with how I should have known better, after being alerted by the stench from downwind? I think I am being pretty generous with the 1/2 pitchfork. I wagered that half a pitchfork is all I need, really. Enough to cut my fucking eyes out after watching this goddamn travesty unfold before me, that is. The only way this film would be remotely interesting is, if someone actually died during the making of this horrendous piece of dead horse's ass. Cruel remark, but necessary. You know, I really do enjoy the odd comic book, but this one should have been left alone like a rabid badger mincing around in the dumpster. Maybe I'm just tired of the toxic-wastes-superhero-spawning phenomenon premise. I was around when Chernobyl happened, and well, there you have it. Anyways, the film tells a story of a vengeance-fuelled fellow named Matt Murdoch - played by Ben Affleck (fuck knows why) - who gets blinded by toxic waste, becomes a lawyer with a heart of gold during the day and a superhero-vigilante with britches of red at night. He's athletic, single, appreciates modern architecture and also enjoys a nice soak in a tub after icing rapists.
Jennifer Garner portrays Elektra Natchios, daughter of a wealthy Greek tycoon and subsequent love interest to Daredevil/cutting board to Bullseye. Sigh. Elektra Natchios. God, what a fucking name. As much as I hate to agree with that asshole (played by Jon Favreau), it does sounds like something you wash down with a beer and a side of chile peppers. It's right up there with another Greek character whom I love and hold dear to my heart: Mr. Snuffleupagus. Michael Clarke Duncan plays Kingpin - the man who killed Murdoch's pop - who I feel was properly casted for the role because it's nice to see Fisk as he was meant to be portrayed. That is, built like a brick shithouse. A few may disagree with me. But then again, that few may fuck off. Unfortunately, their anticipated meet-up is incredibly dull. Then there's Bullseye (an a'ight performance by Colin Farrell) with...yes...a BULLSEYE. On his forehead. Fucking clever, really. Remarkably similar to the one I was sporting, when those fuckers at 20th Century Fox were targeting me with this picture. I feel like such a mark.
1/2 out of 5 pitchforks
Judas Priest, where do I start with this fucker of a flick. Do I start with how I should have known better, after being alerted by the stench from downwind? I think I am being pretty generous with the 1/2 pitchfork. I wagered that half a pitchfork is all I need, really. Enough to cut my fucking eyes out after watching this goddamn travesty unfold before me, that is. The only way this film would be remotely interesting is, if someone actually died during the making of this horrendous piece of dead horse's ass. Cruel remark, but necessary. You know, I really do enjoy the odd comic book, but this one should have been left alone like a rabid badger mincing around in the dumpster. Maybe I'm just tired of the toxic-wastes-superhero-spawning phenomenon premise. I was around when Chernobyl happened, and well, there you have it. Anyways, the film tells a story of a vengeance-fuelled fellow named Matt Murdoch - played by Ben Affleck (fuck knows why) - who gets blinded by toxic waste, becomes a lawyer with a heart of gold during the day and a superhero-vigilante with britches of red at night. He's athletic, single, appreciates modern architecture and also enjoys a nice soak in a tub after icing rapists.
Jennifer Garner portrays Elektra Natchios, daughter of a wealthy Greek tycoon and subsequent love interest to Daredevil/cutting board to Bullseye. Sigh. Elektra Natchios. God, what a fucking name. As much as I hate to agree with that asshole (played by Jon Favreau), it does sounds like something you wash down with a beer and a side of chile peppers. It's right up there with another Greek character whom I love and hold dear to my heart: Mr. Snuffleupagus. Michael Clarke Duncan plays Kingpin - the man who killed Murdoch's pop - who I feel was properly casted for the role because it's nice to see Fisk as he was meant to be portrayed. That is, built like a brick shithouse. A few may disagree with me. But then again, that few may fuck off. Unfortunately, their anticipated meet-up is incredibly dull. Then there's Bullseye (an a'ight performance by Colin Farrell) with...yes...a BULLSEYE. On his forehead. Fucking clever, really. Remarkably similar to the one I was sporting, when those fuckers at 20th Century Fox were targeting me with this picture. I feel like such a mark.
Nothing prepared me for the wedge of hard cheese that came flying out and cracking me in the teeth. Here, I am referring to that spectacular display of acrobratic retardation that is the Garner/Affleck fight sequence in the park. A poetic slice into a budding love affair. Bleurgh. I cringed and doubled-over in embarassment. I shook and quivered with dismay and hopelessness. I just couldn't imagine that anyone could walk away from doing something like and call themselves an "actor". We see Bullseye - after a sound ass-beating - recuperating in a hospital. Does this signal another installment? God forbid. Highly recommended if you want a chunk of your life to completely vanish into the ether, never to be reclaimed.
Labels: cinema
posted by maz at
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