If I Were Dear Abby...

I admit that one of my favourite brainless pleasures - among the countless other brainless pleasures that I try to indulge in regularly - is reading advice columns. Dear Abby, in particular. I love the fact that I feel either fortunate or plain-ass superior over the battalion of hurtin' units that send in their daily cries for help. I'm a sick fuck that way. However, occasionally I will read one of Abigail Van Buren's missives and think: Abbs, you really drop the ball on that one, you boring douchette! Naturally, I think I can do better. Not do better in helping people, because helping people is for human shields, losers and marks. I just think I can do better at making MYSELF feel better. And that's always important, bitches.

DEAR ABBY: My son is 11 and, for the first time, he has a "girlfriend." I have always discouraged the children from saying they have girlfriends and boyfriends, so he has always referred to her as his "friend." Well, the other night, I heard him say, "I love you," and there were text messages on his phone from her saying it, too.

I tried to talk to him about it and explain that this is not appropriate because he's too young to really understand what love is, and he should not say it until he is older and knows what love is. He didn't respond very well and was embarrassed. I don't think I was very effective. Do you have any recommendations on how to handle this? -- SHANNON IN HOUSTON

DEAR SHANNON: You didn't think you were very effective? Good call. You deserve a prize for pointing out the goddamn obvious. Name me one man/boy who welcomes emasculation. From his mom. I would say the number would round down to lowest single digit. So knock off that mommy-knows-best shit, when it is clear that you know ONLY! SHIT! I will be looking forward to your next tear-stained and drug-addled letter, when your life has hit the skids and your son is stacked up in the shithouse for possession, joyriding and assault. You are a BAD mom, Shan. AHAHAHAhaaaaa...