Open Letter Vol. 3

Dear Dromonaut:

How's it going? Awesome, I bet. How's that car of yours? Not the winter beater, of course. I am referring to the stealth German murder weapon with which you lovingly cut me off in traffic. I am in impressed. Really, I am. For someone who dumped some serious change to convince the world that you have a cock, I am surprised that you don't drive it around with as much care, as though your pasty ass was made out of solid fucking gold. Must you drive so perilously close? By close, I mean enough to rim the asshole of owner of the Dodge Caravan - the one you butted up behind in traffic - through the windshield.

Regards,

The one of many who wish you dead

P.S. Audis do not get you laid.

Gagging for It #4

Dr. Pepper: The Drink for the Discerning Meth-head.
1 out of 5 pitchforks

Ugh. If it were possible to contain the collective farts of unicorns, fairies, pixies and rainbows, Dr. Pepper certainly figured out a way. I just had the misfortune of drinking a Diet Vanilla-Cherry Dr. Pepper. I came across a bottle of it recently and noted that I haven't had a Dr. Pepper in over twenty years. I wondered if I remember how good it was. I kind of remember liking it. I also kind of remember that I was weird kid who lacked common-sense and good set of taste buds. Somehow I thought it would be a wonderful thing to skip down memory lane. And skipping down memory lane, I did. Replete with me stumbling and chipping my tooth along the way. Is it a successful entreprise on Cadbury's part? It could have been. That is, if they were aiming for a Benalyn-flavoured pop. With so much stacked against it, you kind of feel sorry for Dr. Pepper. A sucktastic beverage coupled with shitty slogans:

"What's the worse that can happen?" (You mean, besides a sucking chest-wound?)

Or:

"There's more to it" (Yeah, and I'm still waiting...)

Interestingly enough, Dr. Pepper's slogan in Denmark/Finland/Netherlands begs: "Can You Handle the Taste?" Good fucking question. I, myself, barely managed a sip of that sugary Care Bear urine sample. I can see it being successful in the soda wars, tasting as shitty as it does. That could only happen if it were reformulated as an alternative in curing the clap.

Crosstown Snapshot an' Shit #3

I noticed this on the way to a restaurant. I, for one, certainly felt special after reading it.

Pretty please...

Back home, I'm used to signs DEMANDING that I knock shit off. Or else. Yet, only in Japan can I encounter signs imploring nicely that I cease whatever offending act I may be engaging. Less criminality, more concern over the trajectory my life is pursuing. A nice touch, really.

Cheers for the heads up.

I suppose that the intention behind this warning is to alert the toilet occupant that the water is not potable. Well, after a cursory glance at the state of the lavatory and complementary stench, you really don't need a sign to tell you that.

It reads less like a warning and more like an evaluation after a taste test. Gag.

Why I hate clowns, dolls and dummies...

Because of creepy shit like this.

And this.

Some Hinterland's Who's Who Shit #2

I have been given the opportunity to roll around Japan - land of quality adverts and oddballs - doing some crap and seeing some shit. I will occasionally drop a post or two when possible. Or not.

Holy Christ. I just saw the most fucking hideous turtle! EVER! Incidentally, turtles are my favourite animals. They are, like, the outcast loners and shut-ins of the animal kingdom. Just like me. And slow. Just like me. Anyhow, they normally have beak like mouths. But this ugly sucker has a porcine snout and a mouth that - when opening -has a suction cup effect. NOT AT ALL like me. They have this unusually long and powerful neck that, I shit you not, allows them to flip around should they happen to find themselves on their backs. As you can see from the EXCESSIVELY manicured photo on the right, they have webbed feet with deceptively agile fingers, or whatever the fuck those things are. I'm sure they could probably wield a knife, if pressed. Yugh. My skin totally crawled. They also made me feel a little gaggy. Kind of makes you question the rounded effects of the Hiromshima/Nagasaki bombings. In addition, they are totally hostile and start crunking when faced with an opponent, be it an animal or a leaf. Then again, I would be pretty cranky if I had live out my entire existence looking like an uncircumcised penis attached to a slimy discman.